When It Rains it Pours.

Raining cats and dog, Rain, rain go away, come again another day;

Rain on the green grass, Rain on the tree, Rain on the housetop, But not on me!

It's raining it's pouring the old man is snoring, he hit his head on the back of the bed and didnt wake up in the morning.

And of course, When it rains it pours. On the one hand I keep trying to stay positive, I keep hearing how important it is to stay positive through cancer treatment, but on the other hand, things keep going wrong.

I started this post a few weeks ago when it was raining everyday, I was feeling sorry for myself because yet another thing had gone wrong. I developed the beginnings of a side effect of xeloder, hand foot syndrome, in my feet. It feels like the bottom of your feet are burning and prickling and that there is no cushioning on the bottoms of your feet. It was difficult to walk for about 3 days. The oncology nurse told me to stop the xeloder immediately and to soak my feet every day in a tub of warm water with alpha Keri oil in and to coat the feet with bepanthan cream and put socks on while it absorbed. It worked over the next 3-4 days, though the redness remained for over a week. More than anything it was depressing. I felt that everything that could go wrong did go wrong. But 2 days ago I started my 4th chemo cycle, the IV dose went OK, even though my arm was very painful, a reminder of the the toxic drugs spreading through my veins, but when got home I massaged my essential oil mix in and slipped an old woollen leg warmer (from my 1980s gym days) onto the arm. It worked really well and I have been sleeping at night with the oils and warmer on my arm and the pain is just about gone. My xeloder dose was reduced from 6 tabs a day to 4 tabs a day. The thing that effected me however, was a woman I spoke to the chemo clinic. She was maybe 10 years older than me, she told me how she had been diagnose with bowel cancer, but it had already spread to her lymph glands and liver and she now had it in her lungs as well. Her portacath experience was similar to mine with the pain and she was left with a permanent disability in her shoulder. She had a second port inserted and had been having chemo off and on for over 2 years. She had neuropothy in her hands and had to be careful with holding containers in the kitchen because she lost feeling in her hands and often dropped things. She was so cheerful and hopeful, and looked quite well and it made me feel like a wimp. I started wondering about the way I have been feeling, I know my experience is valid and unique etc etc. but talking to this woman brought to the fore the knowledge that my discomfiture with chemo was more emotional that physical. I can cope with the physical, it is the idea of allowing myself to be pumped full of toxins just in case some of the cancer cells got into my lymphatic system or bloodstream and the fact that I have developed almost every side effect I was warned about that makes me feel so ambivalent and uncertain about the treatment. I felt so well after my recovery from the original bowel surgery but now on chemo I feel my energy draining away, having to lay in bed all day some days instead of being up preparing for Christmas. So now I feel like a wimp and have booked in to see the cancer council psychologist to try and come to terms with what I guess is a post traumatic stress episode after the portacath disaster and with my feelings about chemo.