5.15am

I woke today at 5.15am , my whole body clock seems to have gone haywire. I woke thinking of Holden Caulfield. I have recently re-read Catcher in the Rye and it keeps returning to my mind, perhaps because the meaning I took from it is so pertinent to my situation right now. Bear with me while I explain. The central theme of the novel is clearly existential loneliness, nothing at all to do with a longing for company, but rather a profound recognition of each human being's ultimate alone-ness which is at the core of their existence. Of course we have layers of connectedness, love and familiarity in relationships, family, friends, groups or tribes as well as nation or religion etc. But at key times in our lives we become aware of our complete and utter separateness. For example when laying on an operating table as the anesthetist injects a drug into your vein and you become completely helpless. During times of grief and loss; when a mother gives birth and the medical team takes her baby away to weigh and wash her. Your first day of school as you walk through the gate; during adolescence when you realize you must soon make your own way in the world. These examples are within the realm of a normal healthy life, I can't even imagine the sense of alone-ness for the abused and exploited of this world. So this is not me feeling sorry for myself, rather the opposite. I am sitting at my kitchen table watching the sunrise through rain drenched trees and feeling OK.
The port was removed, I was in pain after but it was quite manageable and is now getting better. The port has been sent away for testing to see if it was faulty, I will see the surgeon in the next few weeks and perhaps get some answers as to why this happened, but the anaesthetist suggested that it sounded like a nerve was stitched in with the port. Ouch, and yes that would explain the unusual amount of pain. and the difficulty I was having raising my left arm.