In the darkness, I only feel the light.

If you think the title means I've found religion, you are mistaken. These are words taken from a song "Everytime," an electronica/dance number by Lustral. http://es.youtube.com/watch?v=GFGyubpbsRg (This is the only clip I could find on You Tube that has the words. The video clip of someone elses Ibiza holiday is irrelevant here.) An Mp3 of the song was sent to me by a friend when I found out about my diagnosis. I was listening to it today and thought about the words, "In the darkness, I only feel the light". So I thought that I would list a few positive elements associated with getting cancer and being forced to spend time recuperating.

I remember my sister saying during her honours year at uni, that if she got cancer she wouldn't have to finish her thesis and everyone would say how brave she was to even think about it. It was just a flippant way of expressing her tiredness and frustration with finishing the thesis. But I have been pondering the issue of how illness can become an escape hatch from the previously inescapable pressures of life. A situation could easily be created where a person could crawl inside their illness and find comfort, not in attention, but rather in the mental solidude.
I am not used to long periods of uninterrupted free time, no matter what I try and do, there are usually people phoning me every 15 -20 mins, day and evening. I woke this morning, put my arms out of the covers and thought, I should get up. It was cold and I pulled myself back inside the thick warm duvet. I had still not got used to the idea that I didn't have to get up. I could lay in bed all day if I chose to. Not only could I choose to sleep or read or write or watch dvds, but it was in fact what I must do, for at least part of the day, in working towards my recovery. I think it is the first time in many many years that I have been expected to stop working and rest. This imposed respite from activity and the pressures of business and family seems part of my destiny now that it is upon me, it was always there in my future waiting, as was this illness.
Ok, so there are not many positives, that's pretty much it, except that, and when I start chemo, I may retract this next as a positive, but right now, I am pleased that I have lost 4.5 kilos without trying.
Sorting through these ideas as I write, I think I am saying that when I recover, I will try to keep some of what I have gained, the space for me, the perspective on what things are important and what things I really do not need to become entagled in.