When I woke this morning, in the moment just before I opened my eyes, I had in my mind a picture of my surroundings. My bedside table with clock, lip gloss and a pile of books and beyond that my block out curtains, which make my room very dark. In my room, in my house.
I opened my eyes to see beige walls and beige curtains surrounding the steel framed bed on which I was lying. The operation was over. The surgeon had said he had got all the cancer. I would still need chemo. These words keep going around in my head but at that moment I wondered what they had to do with me. Can this really be my life? My complicated but comfortable life where nothing really bad happens. Today it all has a surreal feeling as if I am an invisible observer watching these events happening to someone who feels like me. I don't feel sad or lonely, I don't feel anything much and I wonder what happened to the stages of grieving that I was supposed to experience. Or is that only if you think you are going to die. I don't understand why I have been fairly calm about this from the start. Maybe I am stuck in the denial stage, maybe I am going to start falling apart and yelling at everyone. Nah I don't have the energy. Hardly any pain today, I'm thinking things are going too smoothly, except I'm very tired.
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