Strange Days

I have not started chemo because I have not yet been assimilated into the collective of chemo recipients through the installation of my implant. Yesterday I had my appointment with the vascular surgeon who will implant the portacath. It is placed under the skin of the chest, just left of midline and stitched to the bone of the sternum. (outch) In true detached, male surgeon fashion, when I asked if it will be painful after the surgery, he replied as though he had never been asked that before saying, "no not really, there will probably be a pulling sensation". I will let you know if he is right. He could not fit me into his operation list until the 9th of Oct he said that I could 'technically' start chemo the day following the implantation, but the specialist oncology nurse at the chemo centre said,
" Oh, why don't you wait and give yourself time to heal because that first session will be painful". I like having the truth, I like being given the chance to be prepared and brace myself. So I start chemo on the 15th. I'm dreading that first chemo session.
This week has been strange, I have been quiet and a little distant from people much of the time. A few days ago I went shopping at the supermarket but before I left I mentally slipped into a Scanner Darkly type camouflage skin. I drifted for over an hour through the shopping aisles nearly invisible, pulling my trolley to the side frequently, to avoid eye contact with anyone. I was aware of a sense of - loneliness is not quite the right word but - loneliness. I pulled back my minds eye's camera for a wide overhead view of the supermarket scene and I recalled ant farms my children had when they were little. The ant farms were filled with sand and had tunnels through which the ants hurried pushing and carrying crumbs of food. For the most part the ants ignore each other unless one stops and blocks the corridor, then there is an impatient scramble, all trying to get through the blocked space.
I started back at the gym today, my first personal training session since before my Operation. I am starting slow but I am a bit sore now and I'm tired but I was so buzzy after the exercise, it connects my mind and body like nothing else.