Mixed Feelings

Christmas and New Year is finally over, the plastic tree and the decorations are safely packed away and the couch has been moved back to its rightful spot. That felt like a very long holiday season and I seem to enjoy Christmas less each year. I think I would like to volunteer to work in a charity kitchen next year, it would make more sense.
I have had 3 weeks chemo free and I feel almost normal. The last chemo cycle caused more problems. I had the last IV chemo treatment, which seemed to have gone well, the same day I started the oral chemo which was to be taken for 14 days . I was aware of the beginnings of the hand foot syndrome but on day 10 of taking the oral Xeloder, I was putting the clothes on the line and I started to feel an odd mixture of sensations in my hands. It started with an intense tingling in my hands like electric shocks, my arms felt like I had been laying too long in an awkward position and had that dead flesh feeling where you have to shake your arms to get the feeling back. The chemo clinic said to stop the drugs and come see the oncologist the next day. She examined my hands and gave a pin prick test starting at my finger tips and working towards my palms. I couldn't feel the pin from the fingertips down to about one inch into the palm, and couldn't feel the pin prick on my toes. The neuropathy had worsened. I could no longer tolerate the mix of drugs I was being given so I was no longer to have the IV and will continue cautiously on the oral chemo alone. I was given 3 weeks off chemo and saw the oncologist again today.

This is the cause of the mixed feelings. I won't have to sit for 3 hours at a time receiving the IV chemo. I won't have the arm that aches for nearly a week afterwards. I'm not sure about the nausea and tiredness because I didn't know which drug was causing that. But with the oral chemo alone I don't have the best protection against cancer returning. I am drawn to the idea that what will be will be. I am so pleased at not having the heavy duty IV drugs that I am willing to take my chances.
I had never really noticed my energy levels and ability to keep going when tired or sick until I started chemo. It's different to any illness or pain or recovery from operations that I have ever experienced. It is like someone has taken out the bath plug and all your energy and coping ability drains away. But today, the last of my 3 weeks chemo free, I feel good.