I-AM-Not-A-Wimp

Many years ago I started Tai-Chi classes with a friend, she loved it, it frustrated me to the point of great irritation. I gave up on Tai-Chi and enrolled in Aerobics class instead. That's a good anecdote to describe how I have lived my life. Full speed ahead, always doing stuff. I have realized that my big fear with cancer and chemo is not that I will die from it, but that the chemo could cause me to be permanently disabled.
I saw the psychologist, two sessions so far, and she told me two encouraging things. 1. That instead of feeling at the mercy of the chemo process and the medical system in general, I must personally choose, each cycle, whether or not I will have chemo, and 2. That there is no evidence to support the commonly held belief that positive thinking helps beat the disease of cancer. The first helps enormously, doesn't change a thing except for my mindset, yet the decision to choose rather than be passively swept along by the process has lifted my spirits. As to the second, on the one hand it is a relief to feel that by being down or negative about the process I am not defeating the chemicals and letting cancer return. But on the other hand, the one common attitude I have found among cancer patients I have spoken to is the idea that thousands of people, many much worse off, have been through chemo and have managed. Mixed in with this attitude is, I think, along with an abundance of positive thinking, guilt about complaining about the hardships of chemo when they can see others suffering so much more. (see my last Post) You develop great empathy with and admiration for those cancer patients who fiercely cling to life, most often for the sake of their families. Here is a link to a blog I read by a woman whose strength is an inspiration. If you read my blog and you are inclined to pray or believe in the power of positive directed thought please send Jane your most positive thoughts and energy.
http://jaeastonslife.blogspot.com/
So, I am hereby acknowledging that I am not a wimp, chemo is really awful and I hate it everyday I have it and I have every right to complain and whinge about it, but I will choose to continue with it for now despite all the side effects I am having. Be aware, next post will be a big list of problems and side effects.